More Men Need to Talk About Their Miscarriage/Abortion

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook recently shared his story nationally about his wife's multiple miscarriages and how it affected him emotionally. He shared that he and his wife Cilla had been trying to start a family for seven years and went through three miscarriages before their current pregnancy. A major focus of the article was on that men just don't talk about the miscarriages they have and the impact that it has on them and their spouse or partner. It was like Mark had come against the cultural norm and he was being acknowledged and praised for doing that. 

As I read the story, I began to think about last month's blog on how abortion affects men and how most often times, you wont know how because of gender and cultural conditioning to name a few reasons. The next thing I wondered was would Mark have had the same response from both men and women if he had came out and said that they had had three abortions. What would the difference in response look like? Why? Would there be compassion for a man that had experienced the loss of a child due to abortion, just as if a man had experienced the loss of a child due to miscarriage. 

I do know that Mark had something right in that the loss of a child due to miscarriage is a disenfranchised grief just as much as the loss of a child due to abortion is. The only difference in both these scenarios is in abortion, there is a willful choice to end the pregnancy. It is elected. This isn't true in miscarriage. So maybe the idea that abortion is an elected choice, affects how people view one through empathy versus judgement possibly? 

In summary as therapists, working with men and women clients who present with either the loss of a child due to elected abortion or the loss due to a miscarriage, there are a few things to consider. First it is important to validate the client's experience and courage for any client that is able to move past the disenfranchised grief the culture creates and seek help for an issue not many are willing to talk about. Both types of clients need to be validated for their loss in a culture that is so invalidating. Abortion loss is unique in that one was involved in electing to end the pregnancy, so as therapists we will need to know how to treat that client in a uniquely different but similar way. 

Mark, thanks for sharing your story as a man. You shared your vulnerability and came against a cultural norm. My hope is that this will continue to happen more often especially for men who have experienced an elective abortion and they too will receive praise for their vulnerability in a culture that makes it very difficult for men to be vulnerable.