The Lasting Effects: Ghosts in the Bedroom

The fall season has set in with cooler temperatures, even here in South Florida. This week is the first week of cool nights and lower humidity. Before you know it Halloween will be here. As I was reflecting on Halloween, the idea of ghosts came to my mind. As I sat down to write this blog, I was reminded of something I had read years ago about the concept of, “Ghosts in the Bedroom.” The concept was referring to what it might be like for couples who have had an abortion together, to enter back into sleeping in the same bedroom and having sexual intimacy again. What would the effects be on a couple who had conceived during the sexual relationship in a bedroom, to now enter back into an intimate relationship in the same bedroom.

In my work with couples who have recently had an abortion, or any kind of pregnancy loss, I often suggest stopping the sexual relationship until they have gone through enough of the recovery process together. I have found that if the sexual relationship continues without enough time for the couple to work through the trauma and possible PTSD symptoms, the risk of re-experiencing trauma in the sexual relationship is pretty high. In fact, the risk of one or both partners, dissociating during sexual intimacy is also great. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for their unconscious at an attachment level, to begin to perceive their partner as the enemy. This is especially true if either of them have sexual abuse in their background. If this goes on long enough, one or both partners will literally shut down and that usually means the end of the relationship.
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If you are a therapist who works with any type of pregnancy loss, I would recommend that you assess for the degree of trauma that the couple may have experienced as a result of the often sudden loss. In assessing the couple, it might be important to be involved in recommending the stopping of the sexual relationship for a period of time so the couple can heal first. Remember the bedroom itself often represents the loss, and sexual relations in that bed can also bring back memories of the conception and later loss. Ghosts in the bedroom are a real thing for couples who have experienced any type of pregnancy loss. As a therapist you can be a critical component in making therapeutic recommendations at the right time. These recommendations can not only prevent further trauma but often prevent the relationship from ending.