​Too Painful to go There

Over the years as a therapist I have watched clients report little or no effect to what was normally very traumatic for others. I knew as a therapist all the right things to do about not imposing any agenda on my clients. I knew I had no right to impose my thoughts as to whether they should feel a certain way about a particular trauma. I realize there are many reasons why clients report little or no effect on them for something traumatic they have experienced. For this blog I want to focus on why clients are scared to talk about the past and the emotions that might come up.

The first thing I want to talk about is the fear of the unknown. What I mean is that many clients have stuffed so many painful memories as a way to survive horrific things. To visit these memories again brings with it many unknowns. Those unknowns include, whether they will be able to handle the emotions that come up. They may also fear that they will go into a deep depression, or experience more shame than they can handle. They see no reason to want to feel more pain when they appear to have moved on from the past.

The second thing I want to mention is the fear of expressing emotions in general. Many clients grew up in homes where emotions were not expressed. They often did not have parents that modeled or expressed emotions in a healthy way. If emotions were expressed, sometimes it was only through bursts of anger or violence. They also may not even have the words to express their emotions about the trauma. I am always amazed when I have to bring out a “feelings wheel” for a client who have never learned how to label their feelings. Some clients had to grow up as a “parentified child”. They had to be strong and be like a parent often to their siblings, or even to their own parents. They learned to not show weakness. They got used to taking care of others emotions and often not their own.

For the millions of men and women who have lost a child due to an abortion decision in their past, many will report little or no effect. This is also true of many other issues that are often traumatic such as sexual abuse. Should we automatically think they are in denial or using some other defense mechanism? Is it possible it is as simple as some are not as affected as others and people just like to avoid pain? Let me explain it to you this way. Imagine you just saw the scariest movie ever and then you go to a therapist for help and the therapist tells you that how you are going to heal is to repeat the scary movie over by talking about it.

I do believe there is no easy answer for these questions with the clients we serve. As a therapist I have to be sensitive to any resistance I may feel with my clients about revisiting a trauma. The resistance is trying to tell me something related to their fears of going there. As therapists who work with clients who have an abortion in their history, sometimes the best you can do is sense where your client is at during the time they come to you. It might be a timing thing. In my experience, many clients are really just trying to tell you, “Not now”. In other words, their plate is full at the time and they can’t add anymore to it. Listen, listen, listen. If you don’t listen you may find your client not coming back.
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It may be true that the clients who come to you with many different types of trauma, including abortion trauma, may use every defense mechanism in the book, to act as it didn't affect them. However, “It might be too painful to go there”, at least for now. Honor that.