Christmas: A Time to Celebrate or Grieve?

Dr. Cara Barker (2010) wrote a wonderful blog about how to support a loved one who is experiencing grief during the holidays. She says this, “Bridge Building. Keep it simple. The real issue beneath loss is that love needs an outlet and a means of contact. When someone dies, physical connection seems broken. Love's flow gets interupted. Now, you know what happens when a river gets obstructed: cess, turbulence, and disturbance. Holding back your compassion, for fear of "blowing it," only makes matters worse. The bereaved are not looking for perfect. They are longing to re-establish connection with what heals their heart. Be this bridge.
I wonder how much more difficult it may be for a person who is experiencing the disenfranchised grief of the loss of a child due to an abortion decision during the holidays. Dr. Barker suggests above that “the real issue beneath loss is that love needs an outlet and a means of contact”. Since abortion is a disenfranchised grief that often is kept secret, it makes it very difficult for a person to find some form of validation for their loss and pain in our culture. It is then extremely hard to admit their pain and expect to find someone to provide an outlet where love can be expressed and some form of attachment or connection is received in return.

Dr. Barker goes onto to say that “when someone dies, physical connection seems broken.” What does this statement mean for a person who has lost a child due to an abortion decision? Most likely that person will suffer in silent grief, if they even allow themselves to do so. What will later serve the role of a physical connection that was lost, when there has been no human attachments to support this person during the grief process? Perhaps this person may choose a false attachment, such as in the form of addictive behavior. They may choose this form of escape.
If we are to offer a bridge to the many men and women who have experienced the loss of a child due to an abortion decision, each of us will need to take responsibility in fighting the disenfranchised grief both on a macro level in our society and on the many micro levels within our smaller communities, groups and families. Perhaps this small change can provide enough validation for the person grieving to reach out to someone who can be that loving bridge and connection.

As we celebrate this holiday season, as you look around at the faces, ask yourself the question, is this a time to celebrate or grieve for the person you may encounter? In some small moment you might have the opportunity to “mirror” and validate what they have not shared with anyone else but you. To this end, you become the bridge a safe attachment where healing can begin. 

References

Barker, C. (2010). Huffington post. Retrieved 8, December, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-cara-barker/holiday-grieving-how-to-b_b_789813.html